Reasons to be cheerful

My reasons to be cheerful this week

-I started my son at a new preschool today and his first day went well. Fingers crossed for next week.

-I had a compliment from the assistant head at my school about my teaching this week. It is always nice to be appreciated.

-The days are getting longer and I can feel Spring coming.

-I am grateful for having a very talented tutor group. Last week they won a music competition and this week they asked me to watch them perform a new dance they had been practising. It is lovely that they still want my approval.

Reasons to be Cheerful

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Positive psychology says that keeping a gratitude journal helps improve your happiness. So I am going to make a commitment to contribute to the Reason To Be Cheerful bloghop every week. I am also going to try to get my husband to do it to!

 

Reasons to be cheerful this week:

-I managed to make cupcakes with chocolate icing that looked like the ones in the recipe book for the first time this week. I put them on a new cake stand, with a candle in one of them and sang ‘Happy birthday’ to my husband with my 3 year old son.

-I found out that I can borrow DVDs from the library at the school I teach without paying! I like my bargains

-The sun was shining today and I was able to go outside without a coat for the first time in ages.

 

My husband’s reasons to be cheerful:

-He had a nice birthday this week.

-Being able to run at lunch break around a country park lake.

-His parents got their new kitchen fitted and cooked us all a delicious roast dinner. What a treat to be cooked for!

Related articles

• What makes us happy? (psychologymum.wordpress.com)
• The Benefits of Gratitude (jenniferalley.wordpress.com)

My Difficult Dozen

Cover of The Fantastic Mr. Fox

My Difficult Dozen

Thanks to Gaelic Medium Mum (http://slummytoyummymummy.wordpress.com) for including me on this meme. I am also a newbie blogger but I can tell she is more computer savvy than me as I can’t add my links in seamlessly like her.

This is the My Difficult Dozen.

The rules:

1. You must post the rules

2. Post 12 fun facts about yourself in the blog post

3. Answer the questions the tagger has set for you in their post and then create 12 new questions for the fellow bloggers you plan to tag

4. Tag 12 people and link to them on your blog

5. Let them know you tagged them

OK, here goes.

1. I’ve posted the rules but don’t expect me to stick to them.

2. 12 “fun” facts about myself.

1. Don’t speak to me while I’m reading a book and expect an answer fast. I will be totally engrossed.
2. People have often said I have my head in the clouds. I think this means I am not down to earth.
3. I sleep with 3 duvets on top of me, a dressing gown, a fleece and pyjamas. Not romantic but warm!
4. I can eat a large bag of sweets or chocolate most evenings but I am very strict with my 3 year old about treats. I know, I’m a hypocrite.
5. I once wanted to be an actress so I became a teacher-performing in front of a class up to six times a day.
6. I always get my sayings mixed up. ‘Don’t count your lucky chickens’ is one of them.
7. I have previously walked around with only one contact lens in out of vanity when I have lost the other one (I am a bit less vain these days).
8. I am careful about spending money on myself but I have no budget when it comes to my son.
9. I love Twilight despite being way past adolescence.
10. I can’t sing and have often been asked to stop.
11. I’m half Chinese and half Irish, which means I get drunk easily but can keep on going.
12. I enjoyed watching the Fantastic Mr. Fox on Sunday more than my son.

Answers to Gaelic Medium Mum’s questions:

1. Where are you from and where do you live now?

   I’m from London but live in a village between Milton Keynes and Northampton.

2. What’s your favourite pizza topping? Spinach
3. What’s your favourite childhood book/story/film? The Little Princess by Frances Hodgeson Burnett
4. What’s your favourite book/story/film now? The Piano
5. If you could change gender for a day, what would you do? Go to a gentleman’s club.
6. Do you feel your family is complete or would you like more/some children? Undecided.
7. What do you do/where do you work, and do you enjoy it? Psychology teacher in a school-I love it.
8. Which 3 words do you think sum you up? Lively, intense, earnest.
9. If you could be a fairy, which magical powers would you possess? To be able to grant wishes.
10. If you were invisible, where would you go and what would you do? Why? Go into other people’s houses-I am nosy.
11. Do you know what meme, blog hop, linky, Klout, Pinterest, Google +, SEO, tags, categories, keywords etc are and what they all mean? I think I know what a linky is-I joined one called reasons to be cheerful (Britmums website) this week and I have added tags to my wordpress posts. Not entirely sure how it all works thought.
12. Have you ever picked your nose? I’ll abstain for this question!

4. Tag 12 people

 

THEN Set new questions:

1. Where are you from and where do you live now?
2. What’s your takeaway?
3. What’s your favourite childhood book/story/film?
4. What’s your favourite book/story/film now?
5. If you won the lottery, what would you do?
6. What do you do to keep fit?
7. What do you do/where do you work, and do you enjoy it?
8. Which 3 words do you think sum you up?
9. If were a children’s TV character, which one would you be?
10. What’s your favourite holiday destination?
11. Do you like people carriers?
12. What is your favourite activity to do with children?

4. Tag 12 people

 

1. Irina Higginson@Irina_Higginson
2. Claire Collier@cavysqueak

3. tiredmum@sonali1229
4. mumonthebrink@mumonthebrink
5. Helen@helencakefiend
6. motherwifeme@motherwifeme
7. And you! If you’re reading this and not tagged – please join in!

P.S. Please don’t feel you have to reply.

Is ADHD really on the rise?

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Most people imagine a child with ADHD as being extremely hyperactive and causing chaos wherever they go. However, a child can be diagnosed with ADHD for lack of concentration without hyperactivity, daydreaming and impulsive behaviour. Many children are being diagnosed before 7 years old when it might be considered normal to be hyperactive, impulsive or have difficulties paying attention. More boys are diagnosed with behavioural problems than girls but is this because boys are just naturally more active? It could be argued that as increasing numbers of younger and younger children are being diagnosed with ADHD, it is not a problem with the children but with society. Drugs such as Ritalin are given to children to deal with the symptoms of ADHD but it has been said that Ritalin just slows children down. This may have benefits for parents and teachers in coping with behaviour but some ADHD type behaviours may be quite normal in young children. Is the real problem that we are expecting too much of young children? Are we expecting children to sit still in classrooms at too young an age? This relates to my previous blog about children in other countries starting school much later.

Should you paint your girl’s bedroom pink and your boy’s bedroom blue?

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I am as guilty as the next person for gender-stereotyping my son. He has lots of trains, fire engines and cars and I have just painted one of the walls in his bedroom blue with pictures of planets. However, according to Sandra Bem, it is not good for children to be gender-stereotyped too much.  Children who are too gender stereotyped find it difficult to express themselves fully, have lower self-esteem and are more likely to suffer from mental health problems later. Girls may feel that they have to be passive, caring and helpful and boys may feel that they have to be competitive, aggressive and active even this goes against their natural inclinations. Obviously, it is better for children to feel they can be themselves and explore any interests irrespective of gender stereotypes. I certainly wouldn’t want my son to feel he couldn’t be caring and helpful.

Gender stereotypes may also be one of the reasons boys are doing worse at school than girls. Apparently, doing your homework and being conscientious is now considered to be for girls. Haywood and Mac an Ghaill interviewed boys in a secondary school in the West Midlands and found that the boys saw academic achievement as feminine. Gender stereotypes may also affect which subjects at school children choose to engage with. Cvencek and others investigated whether children had gender stereotypes about mathematics. They showed children two pictures, one of a girl doing maths and one of a boy doing maths. They found that the children were more likely to rate the boy as enjoying the maths than the girl.

So what can parents do to stop their children becoming too gender stereotyped? Parents can choose toys for both genders for their children. To address this, I have got my son a kitchen, dolls’ house and baby doll in addition to his more boyish toys. I am pleased to report that he has played with the kitchen extensively but the dolls’ house and baby doll were not great successes. He seems naturally more inclined to play with his train set but I have tried my best.

Parents can also buy toys in neutral colours and paint their childrens’ rooms in neutral colours, which I have already failed to do if you count my son’s blue space wall. I think it is pretty hard to resist your son’s desire for a Thomas the Tank Engine bedroom or your daughter’s requests for a princess or fairy bedroom. Finally, parents can try to be less gender stereotyped themselves. Men can do more cooking and women can do more lawn mowing, which is perhaps easier said than done. I have to say, my husband and I had more equal roles before I had my son.  I seem to do more cooking and cleaning now due to working part-time than before my son. However, my husband and I do try to share roles as much as possible.

You might be wondering whether there are negative effects to avoiding gender stereotypes . Will your boy get teased if he chooses to play with dolls at school? Sadly, Sroufe et al. (1993) found that pre-teenage children who do not conform to gender stereotypes are less popular with their peers. However, I would still try to avoid gender stereotypes at home. I know my three year old son has already learnt gender stereotypes from others outside the home and he will quite clearly tell me that dolls are for girls and that he doesn’t like pink. I question him on these comments because I want him to learn that long-term he can like whatever he wants regardless of gender.

Related articles

• Barbie…Then and Now (weneedawife.wordpress.com)
• Hipster Barbie (yasorusproductions.wordpress.com)
• Couple raise child as ‘gender neutral’ to avoid stereotyping – Telegraph (worldwright.wordpress.com)
• Child Raised ‘Gender Neutral’ to Avoid Stereotyping (communicationstudies.com)
• Little Girl in Toy Store Rants Against Gender Stereotypes (VIDEO) (blippitt.com)
• Are Barbies Really That Bad for Girls? (collegecandy.com)
• Stereotyping Childhood (jennifershewmaker.com)
• The World that has been pulled over your eyes: Children and Gender Stereotypes (jennifershewmaker.com)
• The Job Coaches: Gender stereotypes: All minds needed at the table (c4women.wordpress.com)
• WATCH: Fierce Toddler Calls Out Gender Stereotypes In “Riley On Marketing” (queerty.com)

Praising children’s efforts rather than achievement.

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Carol Dweck investigated the difference between praising children for their intelligence and praising children for effort. She found that it is much better to say ‘You must have really worked hard’ than ‘You’re really smart.’ Now as I am a sucker for trying to follow psychological research, I have been trying this technique out with my son recently. He has been bringing home pictures from preschool everyday this week and I have tried not to say ‘What a beautiful picture, darling’ and instead replaced it with ‘You must have really worked hard on that picture’. I have to say I feel a little bit foolish and wonder if I should really be encouraging a 3 year old to play rather than work hard. However, the research into praising effort over achievement seems pretty convincing although it was with primary school children rather than pre-schoolers. Dweck gave two groups of children a task to do, one group was praised for their ability and the other group was praised for effort. When the children were asked to carry out another more challenging task, the children who had been praised for their ability were less keen to carry it out than the children who had been praised for effort. The children who had been praised for their ability were worried about not living up to expectations and failing at the more challenging task whereas the other children did not have these concerns. The children who had been praised for their ability were also much more likely to feel despondent after a setback than the children praised for effort. Dweck suggests that when children are praised for ability they begin to see their ability as fixed and become more worried about failure. On the other hand, children who are praised for effort believe that through their efforts they can always do better. Dweck says that you can develop a growth mindset in even very young children, for example, you can get them to believe that they can replace naughty behaviour with good behaviour. Young children who are taught that they can change find it easier to make mistakes and also learn from them. So perhaps I need to focus on praising my son’s efforts at good behaviour rather than his hard work for now. Although the other day I asked him whether he was ‘more good or more naughty’, which on reflection suggests that goodness and naughtiness are fixed. I think I just need to go a step further and ask him to try harder at being good. Wish me luck.

Do computer games make you aggressive?

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 I know a day will come in the future when I am asked to buy a computer console, however, I feel resolute that I don’t want to buy one. I don’t like the idea of my son wasting hours playing computer games, not to mention the damage that he might possibly be caused by playing them. Remember the Columbine High School Massacre, where two boys killed 12 students and a teacher at their school, well this was linked to the boys playing the violent computer game Doom. Now I know that if any of you are computer games fans, you will whole-heartedly disagree with the idea that computer games have any negative effects at all. Your argument will be that only certain people (aggressive people or psychologically damaged people) are affected by computer games. Certainly, this is probably the case with the two boys responsible for the Columbine High School Massacre. On the other hand, psychological research shows that playing violent computer games does make children more aggressive even when they are normally non-aggressive children. They are also less likely to empathise with others. Well, that’s alright then you might say, I just won’t let my child watch violent computer games. Don’t be too confident, many studies show parents aren’t always aware what their children are playing. However, maybe there are benefits to computer games after all. Recent research suggests that playing video games, which promote helping, such as ‘Lemmings’ where you have to guide little lemmings to safety can actually make you more helpful and caring. I still need convincing about buying a computer console though as other research points to the addictive nature of computer games. Games designer Adrian Hon, chief creative officer of SixToStart admits that computer games are designed to be psychologically addictive. He referred to Skinner’s work with rats in the 1950s. Skinner found in his work with rats that when they were rewarded at variable (random) intervals with food for pressing a lever, that the rats would press the lever obsessively. Rewards such as extra lives or points are also given randomly in computer games, which makes them so addictive. Some children report playing computer games for 12 hours consecutively although the average is about 13 hours per week for boys and five hours per week for girls according  (Gentile, Lynch, Linder, & Walsh, 2004). I think my mind is made up for the moment, no computer console but as we have a PC, I don’t think computer games are completely out.

What’s your child’s personality?

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What is your child’s personality? Psychologists refer to children’s personalities as temperament as if they were dogs but aside from this they have a lot to tell us. First of all when we understand that temperament is inbuilt to a certain extent and that we can’t really change it, we realise we don’t need to blame ourselves for every behaviour problem. Finding out about your child’s temperament may also give you an insight into how they will turn out as adults as many studies have shown that childhood personality affects adult personality. It may also help you accept the less charming aspects of your child’s personality. For example, understanding that my son’s strong will is related to the temperament trait of persistence, which can be a positive attribute as an adult, makes me feel more accepting. It also makes me feel a little more tolerant when he shouts that he wants everything now. Persistent children get frustrated easily apparently. Finally, we can manage our children’s behaviour better if we know their temperament.

Thomas and Chess (1977) came up with nine dimensions for temperament: activity level: how much your child moves about, quality of mood: whether your child is generally happy or whiny, sociability: whether your child willingly meets new people and situations or withdraws from them, rhythmicity: whether your child’s eats, sleeps and goes to the toilet at regular times, adaptability: how easily your child adapts to new routines, responsiveness-sensitivity to the environment such as loud noises, intensity of reaction: how strong your child’s emotional reactions are, distractibility: how easily your child can be distracted from an activity they are engaged in, attention span/persistence: how long a child with continue with an activity they are engaged in.

The advice is to try and adapt to your child’s temperament. For example, with children who are low on adaptability, it is best to establish routines and to prepare them far in advance for any changes to the regular routine such as going on holiday. This is all easier said than done. My son shows intense reactions to things. When he is happy is very, very happy but when he is angry we all know about it. I am trying to take the advice though and empathise with his feelings. When he throws everything on the floor, I resist the temptation to drag him to his room and lock the door. I say things like ‘I know you are feeling angry but you must not throw things. Why don’t you try counting to ten and taking a deep breath.’ Then I realise I am talking to a three year old. He counts to ten with me, laughs at me taking a deep breath and then gets angry again. I think I managed to stop a full on temper tantrum though. I just need to sharpen up my knowledge of relaxation techniques for three year olds.

Does having children make you happy?

Does having children make you happy? The commonly held view is that children bring joy to your life. Anyone who is a parent knows that any joy and rewards received are mixed with the sweat and tears of parenthood. Research shows that parents are less likely to report that they are very happy compared to their childless peers. They also report less marital satisfaction and are more likely to be depressed. To add a sting to the wound, one study found that older parents whose children had left home reported the same level of happiness or less than childless couples. Based on this research I should never have had a child but I certainly have no regrets. I guess that is the thing about having children-most people don’t regret having them but they may regret not having them. The problem with these studies is that they focused on how happy people reported themselves to be at a single moment in time. When people were asked in a different study how rewarding parenting is they responded in a very different way.  People were much more likely to rate childcare as’ pleasurable’ when this word was placed alongside the word ’rewarding’.