Why fathers are important role models for boys

A recent Newsnight programme, highlighted that in some areas of the country some boys are growing up without a father around or a male teacher to act as a role model. The question discussed in the programme, was whether boys need more male role models.

Psychological research shows that same-sex role models are important.  Bandura, Ross and Ross (1961), found that when children observed an adult be physically and verbally aggressive to a plastic bobo doll, they were very likely to copy the behaviour. Boys were more physically aggressive than girls but there was little difference for verbal aggression. The children were also more likely to imitate same-sex models. This study showed the impact that same-sex role models can have on children and the importance of exposing boys to good male role models.

We cannot pretend that all fathers are good role models but many are. Fathers have different skills to mothers and it is important to value these differences. They are better able to engage in rough-and-tumble play and to show their sons how to manage aggression. Fathers are more likely than mothers to play football with their sons and during such play they show their sons how to be good sportsmen. Another difference is that fathers tend to expect their sons to become independent quicker than mothers and having this balance between a father and mother’s expectations helps boys to manage the transition from dependence to independence.

Without a father or a father figure, in form of a male teacher or uncle, young boys may turn to older boys for guidance. Older boys who are not men yet may not be quite ready for the responsibility of guiding a younger boy. After all, older boys may still be forming their own identity. Without fathers or father figures boys may be more likely to be led astray. For example, if a young boy sees an older boy rewarded with respect and status for being involved in a gang, he may be motivated to copy this undesirable behaviour.

Not every child has a father around so I believe the solution is to make sure we have enough male role models in our schools, youth centres and sport centres. If we can’t recruit male teachers in our primary schools, then we should make up for this by have male sports coaches or male activity leaders come into school.

The good news is that the government is not oblivious to the issue of male role models. A playbus comes regularly to my local park and I’ve noticed that the activity leaders are all male. They bring a different activity every week, which is great. Some weeks they make dens with the children, other weeks one does craft activities while the other one plays football and they have even set up science experiments. We just need to make sure that activities like these are offered everywhere.

‘Psychology for parents: Birth to teens’ is for sale as an e-book on Amazon, Smashwords.com, Barnes and Noble, Kobobooks and Apple ibookstore.

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Should bullying be a criminal offence?

I saw in The Sun newspaper recently the tragic story of a boy who had committed suicide due to bullying. His parents who must be experiencing unimaginable sorrow and anger towards the bullies were asking other parents to sign a petition to pressure the government into making bullying a criminal offence. This story is a complete tragedy and I feel for both the parents and what this boy must have gone through. Bullying can take many different forms, for example, name-calling, spreading rumours, offensive texts and emails, physical harm and messing around with other people’s belongings. Experiencing bullying can destroy a child’s self-confidence and lead to anxiety and depression. It should be taken seriously and schools should act quickly to stop it happening. However, I am not sure we should be criminalising bullies. One problem with making bullying a criminal offence is that it occurs at very young ages. Even amongst 5-year-old children, you will hear bullying in the playground. For example, the other day I heard two 5-year-old children ridicule another child for speaking in a funny way. Needless to say, I did intervene but I won’t be taking them to the police station. Another problem is that some bullies are also victims of bullying; as bullies they may just be copying behaviour shown towards them. Yet another issue is that both bullies and victims are more likely to have low self-esteem and mental health problems. Salmon, James and Smith (1998) found that children who are high in anxiety are more likely to be victims of bullying and that bullies tend to be more depressed. Perhaps we need to look at why children feel the need to bully in the first place and how to stop vulnerable children becoming victims of bullying.

So what can be done to stop bullying?

Schools and parents need to teach children about the problems of bullying from a young age. Involving children and teenagers in the development of anti-bullying strategies is important so that they take ownership of how to stop bullying themselves. Children can often be bystanders in a bullying situation but feel helpless to do anything. However, once they are involved in developing anti-bullying strategies, they are less likely to stand back and let bullying happen. Some schools produce posters with the help of students with captions such a ‘98% of students think bullying should be reported to a teacher.’

Peer-support can also reduce bullying. Increasingly, schools have peer-mentoring programmes, where some students act as mentors to other students after training. Children can discuss issues with other children of a similar age that they can’t with teachers and so this can reduce the likelihood of bullying.

If parents find out that their child is being bullied, they should contact the school immediately. Parents can speak to their child’s tutor initially and ask them what can be done to tackle the bullying. If the bullying is occurring within the tutor group, it may be possible for the tutor to discuss bullying during tutor time. If the bullying is being carried out by children outside the tutor group, for example by other children in the year group or by older children, parents should contact the relevant head of year/house who may be able to do an assembly on bullying. Parents can also ask the head of year/house whether they have an anti-bullying programme that is delivered by tutors during tutor time. Sometimes parents may need to contact the school several times to inform them that the bullying is continuing. Otherwise, busy teachers may think the problem is solved.

‘Psychology for parents: Birth to teens’ is for sale as an e-book on Amazon, Smashwords.com, Barnes and Noble, Kobobooks and Apple ibookstore.

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Should parents help with homework projects?

Homework (Photo credit: niclindh)

I keep hearing my friends moan about the latest difficult project their primary school children have been set to do at home. The common comment is ‘We are going to have to spend all Sunday now trying to do this project because my son/daughter only told me about it on Friday.’ One project involved making a game about the town they lived in. Now my friend had told me she had no intention of spending too much time on the project but I met her one Sunday afternoon going round the town taking photos of it for the project. She said she has already spent about 2 hours taking photos and they now had to go home and print them out for the game not to mention write all the game rules and questions.

Another project involved making a Powerpoint presentation or a written project on the Egyptians. A different friend was stressing about this because she didn’t really know how to use Powerpoint. I told her to let her daughter just do a written project but my friend was adamant that she had to help her daughter do a Powerpoint presentation. Apparently last time she hadn’t helped her daughter, the teacher didn’t really recognise or praise her daughter’s hard work. Instead, a boy whose father had spent hours helping him to build a wooden aeroplane had got top marks. Herein lies the problem, teachers need to recognise and praise work done by the children on their own.  Research suggests that homework has a greater impact on school performance if children do it on their own (Cooper et al, 2000). Secondary school students need to be able to complete homework independently so this should be encouraged in primary school as well. Obviously, young children need help with reading and maths problems but by 7/8 years old, they should be allowed to complete homework on their own. This also allows the teacher to understand what level the children are working at.

The project that seemed the most ridiculous to me was one where the children of group of parents I know were asked to produce a mosaic. They had to draw a picture and cut it up into little pieces and then stick them together again so that it looked like a mosaic. Apparently, it took them hours and hours to try to piece the picture together again into a mosaic. In this instance, they did complain to the teacher.

My son hasn’t started school yet but I hope that when he does, I won’t get sucked in to spending hours doing projects for him. I know that it will be difficult to stop myself because I want him to produce good work and be recognised for it but I will try to remind myself that in the long-term he will benefit from doing his own homework.

My book  ‘Psychology for Parents: Birth to teens’ is on sale as an e-book on Amazon and Smashwords.com.

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How to deal with tantrums

When my son was 2 and 3-years-old, he would have tantrums that lasted up to 45 minutes. He would flail about, throw things and lash out at me. I tried a method called holding to comfort him during his tantrums, which involves holding your child tightly facing away from you so they can’t hit you. However, holding did not work with my son; it just seemed to make him angrier. I noticed that his tantrums seemed to occur about 4pm in the afternoon when he was hungry and tired. So I was able to reduce the number of tantrums he had by giving him food at this time and reading him a book or doing some other relaxing activity.

Tantrums are most common in children between the ages of 18-months-old and 4-years-old. Major tantrums can involve serious aggression, breath holding, head banging and destruction of objects (Potegal and Davidson, 2003).

Tantrums can be reduced through:

1) Humour e.g. ‘Abracadabra, let me magic up an ice cream for you.’

2) Diversion e.g. let’s read ‘Goldilocks and the three bears now’.

3) Avoiding difficult situations e.g taking your child to the supermarket when they are tired.

4) Ignoring minor bad behaviour so that discipline doesn’t become a power struggle.

5) Replacing ‘no’ with ‘later’ or an alternative option.

However, don’t give into your child’s demands once a tantrum has started as this can increase the frequency of them.  Ignoring tantrums seems to reduce the length of time a tantrum goes on.  Parents should try to stay close by and remain calm if their child is having a major tantrum. If the tantrum goes on for more than five minutes, tell your child it is time stop now and count to ten. If the tantrum still continues, talk to your child in a quiet calm voice to reassure them you are still there as many children can become scared by their own loss of control.

Some children are violent towards their parents when having a tantrum. If your child tries to hit you put them in a safe place/different room where they cannot cause too much destruction. You can then reassure and comfort your child after the tantrum (Leung and Fagan,1991).

My book  ‘Psychology for Parents: Birth to teens’ is on sale as an e-book on Amazon and Smashwords.com.

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Teaching mindfulness to teenagers

English: Mindfulness Activities (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My new project at the moment is to teach mindfulness at the secondary school I teach at. So what is mindfulness? Mindfulness involves paying attention to the present moment and becoming more aware of thoughts and feelings. It also involves being able to let go of thoughts and feelings that cause us anxiety. Regular practice of mindfulness helps people to control their thoughts and emotions. It also improves our ability to focus our attention, which is helpful for teenagers revising for their exams. Mindfulness can also stop teenagers reacting to situations and improve their self-esteem and wellbeing. Research shows that mindfulness based stress reduction (MBSR) can relieve stress, anxiety and depression in children (Saltzman and Goldin, 2008). Schonert-Reichel and Lawlor (2010) compared teenagers who had participated in the mindfulness education program with those who did not and found significant and positive improvements in their positive emotions, namely optimism. Brain scans show that mindfulness can actually change the way our brain works within 8 weeks.

So how can I teach my teenager to be more mindful?

You could start by going for a short 5 minute walk together and really trying to notice your surroundings. Point out anything in your surroundings that you notice along the way. Avoid being distracted in conversation and talk about your experience afterwards. At the end of the walk have a snack together and really focus on what the snack tastes and smells like. This is called mindful eating and helps us to become more aware of our senses. The next step in developing mindfulness is to become more aware of your body. In order to do this you can do a body scan, which involves bringing awareness to different parts of the body as you lie down or sit on a chair. For example, you might start by paying attention to how your abdomen moves in and out as you breathe; you then pay attention to how your legs, arms or shoulders feel. You can download and listen to free audio scripts on the internet, which teach how to do a body scan.

My book  ‘Psychology for Parents: Birth to teens’ is on sale as an e-book on Amazon and Smashwords.com.

How frequently should you reward your child for good behaviour?

Four Marbles (Photo credit: Terry Bain)

On a previous post, I talked about using marbles to reward my 3-year-old son for good behaviour. This involves talking to him about what behaviour I want to see from him such as washing his hands after going to the toilet and then offering him a marble every time he carries out that behaviour. I count up his marbles at the end of the day and I put the marbles in a jar. When the marbles reach the top, he is offered a reward. So far the marbles have reached the top of the jar twice and we have taken my son on a steam train and to a theme park as rewards. I do think this system is a good way of rewarding my son at his age as consistency is very important but what about older children? Older children may not respond well to every behaviour being monitored and rewarded. They may also see marbles as childish and want to be rewarded with pocket-money or treats. So how frequently should rewards be given?

Skinner was a famous psychologist who carried out experiments looking at how certain behaviours can be learnt by giving rewards. He found that the most effective way of giving rewards was to give them randomly. This is why many people become addicted to gambling because every now and again they do win money. The variable frequency of the rewards makes gambling more addictive. On the other hand, when rewards are given regularly, for example, every week, good behaviour in the middle may lapse as it is not specifically rewarded. Furthermore, when rewards are given at the end of a time period, for example, rewarding good behaviour at the end of a school term, children may take a break from the desired behaviour immediately after the reward is given. So how can parents use rewards to get the best behaviour from their children? Pocket money probably does need to be given regularly and consistently especially if it is being given for things like unloading the dishwasher every day. However, rewarding children every now and again with a special treat for good behaviour may be particularly effective. For example, you may want to give your child a special treat for a particularly good homework and if you do this on an irregular basis, it will encourage your child to produce more good homeworks in the hope that they will receive another treat at some point.

Some parents may worry they are treating their child like a dog with a carefully worked out system of rewards. They may prefer Alfie Kohn’s point of view that rewards and punishment are just ways of manipulating children’s behaviour. He suggests that when children are rewarded for behaviour they begin to think only about what they can get from a situation. Kohn argues that it is better to ask children to think about what they are doing and explain to them why you want certain behaviours from them. For example, you might talk to them about why it is important for the whole family to eat dinner together. He believes that when children understand the reasons why they should behave a certain way they are more likely to behave well. Internal motivation is more important than external rewards and punishment in changing behaviour.

I have some sympathy with Kohn’s opinion but my practical side argues that internal motivation takes too long and does not give quick results. If I want my son to do something now, I need rewards to incentivize him.  I also know that rewards work better than punishment.  However, I also make sure I explain to my son why I want him to behave in a certain way.

My book  ‘Psychology for Parents: Birth to teens’ is on sale as an e-book on Amazon and Smashwords.com.

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How can parents help their fussy eater?

Eating Shiva (Photo credit: Mirror | imaging reality)

A few of my fellow mothers have talked to me about their children’s fussy eating habits. They have discussed their worries over their child’s weight gain and have told me that they can get quite stressed at meal times. All children have their good points and bad points but I have always felt lucky that my 3-year old son eats well. My mother-in-law can’t believe that one of his favourite foods is broccoli! So should I take the credit that he eats well? Is his lack of fussiness anything to do with my parenting style? I know that my friends who have fussy eaters and have older children who are not, say that they haven’t done anything different with their fussy eater. So what does the research say?

Research suggests that some children are naturally more picky eaters and can take longer to accept new foods than others. Sanders and colleagues (1993) compared fussy eaters with non-problem eaters by observing them at home during mealtimes. They found that the fussy eaters could be very difficult at mealtimes, for example, they would play with their food, complain about their food, refuse to eat their food, throw tantrums or regurgitate their food. However, they also found that parent of fussy eaters were more coercive in getting their children to eat food than parents of non-problem eaters.  It could be argued that parents of fussy eaters are inevitably going to pressurise their children to eat more in an effort to keep their children at a healthy weight. However, research suggests that pressurising children to eat more is counter-productive. It can lead to mealtimes becoming a battleground between children and parents. Sanders and colleagues (1993) found that the parents of the fussy eaters made significantly more negative comments at mealtimes.

Birch and colleagues (1984) found that pressurising a child to eat food by offering a reward can decrease liking for the food. Furthermore, if mealtimes are a negative experience, dislike for food increases. These findings are important because it is easy as a parent to use tactics to get your child to eat more. However, it appears feeding tactics can backfire and that it is better for parents to allow their child to completely self-regulate their food intake. Perhaps the only way parents can influence their children’s food consumption is by making mealtimes a positive experience and by enjoying healthy food in front of their children.  Galloway and colleagues (2005) found that parents who ate more fruit and vegetables themselves, had children who ate more fruit and vegetables. However, Fisher and colleagues (2002) found that parents who pressured their children to eat more fruit and vegetables, had children who actually consumed fewer fruit and vegetables. Galloway and Colleagues (2005) suggest that parents and children can influence each other in a cyclical way so that children’s initial eating style can lead to parent’s use of pressure to eat, which then leads the child to be less able to self-regulate their  food intake and so the parents add more pressure exacerbating the existing problems.

Picky eating can start early so what can parents do to stop it becoming a problem at an early stage? The research suggests that parents should take a relaxed approach. Toddlers are learning to regulate their food intake so although they may not eat much three days in a row, they will naturally make up these calories over the week. They can also find it difficult to eat at specific meal times so they should be allowed to snack on healthy food between meals. Toddlers should be encouraged to feed themselves and allowed to eat the amounts that they want so that they can learn to self-regulate their food intake. The advice is that if children do not want to eat a food, then they should be allowed not to. New food can take toddlers at least ten presentations before it is accepted. The fact that toddlers do not like to try new foods is natural and is an evolutionary mechanism designed to protect them from poisoning themselves or gastrointestinal problems (Birch, 1998). Parents just need to be patient about introducing new foods. Children will learn to eat different types of food as they observe their parents eating different types of food at mealtimes. This is why shared mealtimes is important.

My own question from looking at the research is how do you manage not restricting a child’s diet with concerns about obesity? Allen and Myers (2006) suggest that parents provide their children with an appropriate diet without being over controlling on what food their children eat. Children need to learn to self-regulate their energy intake and they actually do this better without parental intervention. However, they do recommend that parents of overweight toddlers be given weight management counselling to study the child’s food intake and activity level. They point out that children should not be encouraged to have a strict, low-calore, low-fat diet as this would not give children sufficient nutrients for growth. Fisher and Birch (1998) found that parents who restrict access to treats such as sweets, biscuits and chocolate actually have children who select and eat them more when given free access to them.

Having thought about this research, I have wondered whether I should be less controlling about my son’s food consumption. I do try to restrict my son’s chocolate intake although I have to admit without much success as he is always being given treats by grandparents and at people’s houses. I have also offered chocolate or sweets as a reward before, which I have realised I definitely shouldn’t be doing. I think the way forward is to allow him to eat as many treats as he wants when he is offered them, but to not have them at home too often. One thing that I think I have got right so far is that I have always been cautious about offering food when my son is upset as I do not want my son to associate food with comfort.

My book  ‘Psychology for Parents: Birth to teens’ is on sale as an e-book on Amazon and Smashwords.com.

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How can you help your clumsy child?

A child jumping (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dyspraxia is primarily a disorder of motor coordination and children with dyspraxia can be quite clumsy.  It is important that dyspraxia is identified early on so that intervention can be offered. Early intervention and identification of the disorder can prevent a child becoming frustrated at school and enable teachers to provide sympathetic support. So what are the symptoms of dyspraxia? Children with dyspraxia may have taken longer to roll, sit, crawl, walk, speak and toilet train. They can have problems with gross motor skills such as jumping and kicking a ball even when they have mastered fine motor skills such as copying letters or vice versa. They may also have problems getting dressed and using a knife and fork. School can present further challenges for a dyspraxic child as they may have difficulty concentrating and learning.

So what can a parent do to help their child with dyspraxia? Getting your child assessed is very important as early intervention is believed to be more successful. Children who are diagnosed early are likely to receive help from their teachers rather than being labelled as disruptive or attention-seeking.  Sugden and Chambers (1998) assessed the effectiveness of different types of interventions for dyspraxia such as getting children to repeat specific motor skills over and over again. They concluded that most interventions work leading to significant improvements compared with control group or pre-treatment measures. Schoenmaker et al (1994) found that clumsy children can benefit from individualised physiotherapy. However, research suggests that children can equally benefit from school-based intervention.

Parents can also help their dyspraxic child at home. For example, you can play games such as the statues game which emphasise control of movements. Physical activities can be broken down into simpler movements so that the child can learn how to carry them out step-by-step. Parents can also encourage their children to reflect on their actions, for example, they might be asked whether they think they should kick the ball with the side or the front of their foot or whether to hold their fork more or less tightly. Parents can also raise their child’s self-esteem through recognising and praising small improvements in their child’s abilities (Bowens and Smith, 1999).

Parents may feel that looking after a dyspraxic child is particularly challenging as their child may behave badly at home as a mechanism to cope with frustrations at school. Parents can seek emotional and social support from the Dyspraxic Foundation.

My book  ‘Psychology for Parents: Birth to teens’ is on sale as an e-book on Amazon and Smashwords.com.

Should you stop your kids reading celebrity magazines?

Celebrity Eating Disorders: “Kate Moss” (Photo credit: tollieschmidt)

It is difficult for a parent to monitor what their children and teenagers read but I believe it is important to at least limit children’s consumption of celebrity magazines. Images in magazines such as Vogue all show images of very thin female models. Celebrity magazines such as ‘Heat’ constantly criticize celebrities for putting on weight. The celebrities in these magazines act as models for women in our society. Teenagers in particular pay attention to the fact that many celebrity role models are extremely thin. They can see that their role models are famous and rich and this may motivate them to be thin too or they may think that being thin is what is needed to be accepted. Rachael Johnston, a young woman who suffered with anorexia, has recently called for airbrushed models to be banned in glossy magazines. She has blamed the development of her anorexia on her obsession with very thin celebrities in magazines as a teenager. So what is the evidence that the media might lead to anorexia?

Fearn (1999) studied young women living on the island of Fiji. After the introduction of Western TV to the island, 74% of young Fijian women said they were ‘too big or too fat’ and eating disorders, previously unknown on the island, began to appear. Nasser (1986) compared Egyptian women studying in Cairo with similar Egyptian women studying in London. 12% of those living in London developed eating disorder symptoms, compared to 0% in Cairo. Lai (2000) found that the rate of anorexia increased for chinese residents in Hong Kong as the culture slowly became more westernised. Mumford et al. (1991) found that Arab and Asian women were more likely to develop eating disorders if they moved to the West. These studies all suggest that eating disorders develop in conjunction with Western media and the idea that ‘thin is beautiful’.

However, Eysenck and Flanagan (2000) point out that, whilst virtually all young women in the West are exposed to the media, only 3-4% of them develop an eating disorder. Furthermore, anorexia usually develops in adolescence so it may be related to fears about growing up. Other research points to family issues being responsible for anorexia and genes may also predispose a person to develop anorexia. So perhaps media images only contribute to the problem of eating disorders.

Although the media cannot be held entirely responsible for the development of eating disorders, as a parent I would still try to limit exposure to the very thin models shown in magazines. Younger and younger children are developing anorexia and any preventative measures parents can take is in my view a good thing. Other research suggests that parents should not talk about ‘good’ and ‘bad’ food too much either. Children should be taught that all food is good in the right balance.

My book  ‘Psychology for Parents: Birth to teens’ is on sale as an e-book on Amazon and Smashwords.com.

How can I get my baby or child to sleep well?

A sleeping male baby with his arm extended (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There is a ongoing debate between parents and psychologists about whether crying down is harmful method for getting babies to sleep and whether it has long-term harmful psychological effects on the child. Before I discuss the research, I want to clarify what crying down means. Some people refer to crying down as just shutting the door and allowing your baby to fall asleep by itself. However, many people prefer a more gentle method of sleep-training nowadays . The term ‘crying down’ is now often used to refer to a method introduced by Dr. Ferber, where parents leave their child for increasing amounts of time e.g. 2 minutes, 4 minutes building up to 15 minutes, before going back to reassure them. This method is also referred to as extinction and controlled crying. I have to say that I used the Dr. Ferber method of controlled crying with my son when he reached 3 months old and I know that some people will disagree with my decision. However, it is important to look at the evidence when making a judgement and to understand why good sleep patterns are so important.

Touchette and colleagues (2005) found that many children who did not sleep six consecutive hours at 5 months old, still had problems at 29 months old sleeping six consecutive hours. They concluded that the ability to sleep through the night was learnt very early on and that parental behaviours could have a negative impact on a child’s ability to sleep. Some of you may argue that it is normal for babies and toddlers to have difficulties sleeping through the night.  However, other research suggests that children who have problems sleeping early on are more likely to have behavioural difficulties later. Other studies show that sleep problems affect performance at school.

The way parents deal with their children’s night-time wakings is important. Simard and colleagues (2008) found that parents who comforted their toddlers out of bed at night-time or who gave their young children (not babies) food in the middle of the night were more likely to have children with sleep problems and behavioural difficulties later on. They also concluded that co-sleeping had a negative impact on the future sleep patterns of children.

Mindell and colleagues in a study for the  National Sleep Foundation (2004) found that a late bedtime and a child falling asleep with their parent present had the most significant negative effects on sleep. A late bedtime led to children taking longer to fall asleep and sleeping for a shorter period of time. Parental presence led to children having more night wakings. Having a poor bedtime routine and having a television in the bedroom was also found to cause sleep problems.

Some of you may argue that good sleep patterns are all very well but not important relative to the possible psychological harm caused by leaving a baby to cry. Hiscock and colleagues (2008) looked at the long-term effects on both mother and child mental health of using Ferber’s graduated crying down method. They study recruited 328 mothers of 7 month old babies who reported that their child had a sleep problem. Half of the mothers were taught a sleep training method (with more mothers choosing Ferber’s controlled crying method than other sleep training methods). The other half of the mothers were placed in a control group and not taught any method. The key findings were that the mothers who had been taught a sleep training method were less likely to have depressive symptoms and by the time their children were two years  old, there were no differences in behaviour between the sleep-trained children an the non-sleep-trained children. This study suggests there are no long-term consequence of sleep-training your child. France (1992) studied the behaviour characteristics of babies who had been sleep-trained using Ferber’s extinction method. She found that the sleep-trained babies were just as secure as the control group babies at 24 months old and their tension levels and likeability scores improved.

More research still needs to be done on the subject of sleep-training and the long-term impacts. However, I would recommend looking at the ample research carried out by Mindell if you are sceptical about sleep-training. Personally, having read the many studies on the topic, I feel happy that I used Ferber’s graduated crying down method when my son was 3 months old. He is a good sleeper generally and he frequently sleeps eleven and half consecutive hours at three and half years old. I also know that I have been very responsive to him throughout his childhood and he has a good attachment to me. I am a strong advocate of being sensitive and responsive to you child but I also think it is important to teach your child to sleep well. Winnicott said that a good-enough mother is one that  gives their child the attention they need but also allows their child to experience some frustrations. Sleep-training is hard to do as a parent and tugs at your heart strings but I believe it has long-term benefits. I will also admit that my son still has some night-time wakings. Having re-read the research to write this blog, I now feel I need to get a bit tougher and resist the urge in the middle of the night to just fall asleep beside him in his bed.

My book  ‘Psychology for Parents: Birth to teens’ is on sale as an e-book on Amazon and Smashwords.com.