Recently my son has been playing lots of aggressive games. The characters in his games get shot, covered in volcano lava, eaten by sharks and killed by pirates. This has led me to ask myself whether I should play along with this aggressive make-believe play or discourage it. So what does psychological research say? Landy and Menna (2001) compared how mothers of non-aggressive children and aggressive children played with their children. The mothers and children were observed playing with a variety of toys through a one-way mirror. Dinosaurs and a crocodile were included amongst the toys to encourage aggressive play themes. Landy and Menna found that mothers of aggressive children were more likely to stop aggressive make-believe play. They were also more likely to say things like ‘That’s not nice’ or ‘That’s unkind’. In contrast, mothers of non-aggressive children would play along with the aggressive play, taking on the voice of certain characters and pretending to be scared, killed or eaten by crocodiles and dinosaurs. The mothers of non-aggressive children were also more likely to talk about the character’s feelings during the play, saying things like ‘I think she must be upset’. In addition, these mothers were more tuned into their children’s feelings during the play, so if their children started to show that they were uncomfortable with the aggression in the make-believe play, the mothers would suggest things like ‘the crocodile wanted to be friends now’. This study lends support to the idea that play enables children to work through their anxieties. Landy and Menna suggest that children become more aggressive if they cannot act out their aggression during play. If aggression is not released during play, then it ends up being acted out physically through hitting, biting and pushing. Cohen (2001) in his book ‘Playful Parenting’ argues that children use play to come to terms with their own and other people’s aggression. He believes that if aggressive play is forbidden it leads children to become more aggressive in real life. However, Gordon (1993) found that some children’s play can entirely revolve around killing and destruction. This seems very much like some of my son’s play recently. Landy and Menna (2001) suggest that playing with children as much as possible and getting them to extend the themes in their play so that having a nice dinner or going on holiday are incorporated into the aggressive play can help children move away from repetitive aggression. Having read these studies I have allowed my son to engage in aggressive make-believe play as much as he wants to and I have also tried to reflect the feelings of the characters my son wants me to pretend to be. I know that he has learnt many of these games from the older boys at his preschool including words such as ‘Shoot, kill and die’ so I am allowing him to understand what these words mean at home in a pretend situation. He has also been quite upset recently by some boys saying ‘I hate you’ to him (I have spoken to his preschool about this) and I think allowing him to engage in aggressive make-believe play at home has helped him deal with his emotions. I am pleased to say that his play has become a little bit less aggressive this week but this seems to have happened naturally as things have calmed down at his preschool. However, I know that I shouldn’t be worried either way.
My book ‘Psychology for Parents: Birth to teens’ is on sale as an e-book on Amazon and Smashwords.com.
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Mar 08, 2012 @ 11:57:23
Another brilliant post, gosh I am loving your blog! We haven’t really got to the aggressive play thing yet, but I can already see influences of my daughter’s new nursery playmates (she is two). She has also just got to the stage of make-believe play and just last week started acting out a scenario where we sit on a train, then she gets out, leaves me in the carriage, then ‘goes away’ and waits for me to be wondering where she is, then comes and says “it’s ok mummy, I cuddle you, I come back”, which is her working through the me leaving her at nursery scenario, which she still isn’t happy with – though she loves it once she’s settled.
Brilliant insight here into how to deal with aggressive play, I guess the message is not to try and stamp out aggressive emotions and feelings, but to help your child work through them, I’m not sure I would have thought to deal with it quite like this before reading your post. I guess one question that comes to mind though, is how to safe-guard your own and other children if they engage in aggressive play together.
Mar 08, 2012 @ 14:38:19
I am glad you are enjoying my blog. Safeguarding children during aggressive play is not without problems. One way aggression could be managed is to get children to decide in advance of the play, what the characters are going to do, using play plans. In America, they use a ‘tools of the mind’ programme where they plan play themes in advance at preschool. This apparently reduces conflict during play and also helps to distinguish between pretend aggression and real life aggression.
Mar 08, 2012 @ 16:54:08
Thanks for the reminder – even though I know better, I still have trouble with the aggressive play. But it is absolutely correct to remember that it sets the stage for many teachable moments, and this doesn’t change as kids age. A study published a few years ago illustrates the same thing with older elementary children (about 10-years-old) and TV viewing. Children who watched television alone – educational television at that – showed more relational aggression on the school playground than did their peers who either didn’t watch TV or who watched it with their parents. I recently sat down and watched a few episodes of the show “Arthur” with my 5-year-old and was really amazed at the premise – it’s all about being bullied at school and how it is that friends and siblings can hurt each others feelings. I suspect the writers of the show recognize that these are real issues children face and that their show potentially normalizes it for kids, but when kids watch the examples without discussion, the show can backfire — rather than NOT doing those things, kids are learning HOW TO DO THEM. Yikes! The show opened up a great conversation for my daughter and me though, giving me more insight into her days and thoughts about friends and letting her know that I really want to know about her life away from home.
Mar 09, 2012 @ 16:35:38
Aggressive play is difficult to deal with. I think it needs to be managed so that when children are playing in this way especially with other children they don’t get upset. The verdict on TV watching is not good. I try to limit it but sometimes it is necessary.
Mar 09, 2012 @ 20:42:37
I know what you mean about the TV thing! It’s really not practical for most working parents to have a zero-tolerance rule about TV viewing. I know some who do, and its a real struggle for them to stick to their principles (ha, I almost said guns, but thought I’d avoid the pun, given the context). I am of the mindset that limiting the time and carefully choosing the show works well for both sides (us and our child). But we really have to work at finding safe and engaging shows. For younger preschoolers there are some shows that pass muster by not portraying “what not to do”, but not many. When my daughter was little I knew I could leave her with shows like Kipper (which is a British show, right?), but now that she’s aging-out of shows like that we have to be really judicious. Luckily she loves nature documentaries! But there are times when she doesn’t want to think that hard … those are the times we struggle with.
Mar 09, 2012 @ 00:34:28
The only aggressive play I can really recall is a game my daughter invented where two wolves came to eat all the other animals and vets in the animal hospital she has. I let it run a few times but when she persistently wanted to play the same scenario I told her that I did not want to play like that as I did not think it was very nice and if she wanted to carry on playing that game she would have to play it on her own! She wanted to play with me so she agreed to change the scenario. It is very interesting reading this blog and reflecting on that incident now as maybe she was wanting to work through something with that play? Who knows! Thankfully the aggression has not popped up elsewhere in her play as yet!
Mar 09, 2012 @ 16:37:40
Lucky you that you haven’t had to deal with it as much as me. I think that boys tend to engage in aggressive play more frequently than girls.
Mar 13, 2012 @ 15:07:18
I had never seen it before my daughter gave me a grandson…he is full of pirate gore……we sword fight with foam swords. He has learned that he must be gentle with his play with all the girls, he has a sister and two little girl cousins…..he will always be Peter Pan and they will be his faithful followers and tinker bells. For all his rough play he has learned the lessons at preschool and home that there is room for boy play, and that one needs to be careful
with his situation. It is just another awareness lesson I have had to impress on him. Teaching children awareness is key to what I teach. Safety for me is situational as you know. I have enjoyed watching his adventures, so foreign to the tea parties with my daughters, and grandaughters.
Mar 13, 2012 @ 20:31:01
It sounds like you are really enjoying your grandson’s more boyish play and that’s great. It makes me think I should embrace my son’s way of playing more.